Table of Contents

How to be a good student, satire edition:

- Monitor your body for tension. If you find ANY body part (even your pinky) that is relaxed, fully tension it immediately. BJJ is all about constant and intense isometric tension!

- Breathe only when absolutely necessary. Rickson Gracie said “the mats are the ocean and most people can’t swim”. What he meant was that holding your breath is critical.

- Constantly entangle your limbs with your opponent’s limbs at awkward and dangerous angles. BJJ is about getting a submission. Sure, you can learn the “proper” and “safe” way to do it, but why limit yourself to that?

- Always move explosively and unpredictably. Advanced students look so boring when they move smoothly and precisely. Keep your opponents guessing what you might do next, especially if you’ve entangled your limbs at awkward angles.

- Always go as hard as possible. Grind out those wins. It doesn’t matter if you spend the entire round locked in one position. What matters is intensity!

- Bony body parts give you an edge. Use your shins across your opponent’s neck, drive elbows into soft tissue, and rake your forearms against their face. This ain’t no sport BJJ!

- Do NOT tap. Tapping for any reason only shows weakness. An injury is always far more desirable than conceding weakness.

- Coach your opponent during the submission. If it appears that your opponent might submit you, coach them through it. Do NOT let them think they got the submission legitimately.

- Coach your partners while drilling. Even though you’re a white belt, you know a thing or two about a thing or two! Demonstrate it by correcting every detail of any technique you happen to be drilling.

- Drill the REAL moves instead of the ones your instructor is showing. Your instructor is decent enough, but their techniques are at least a decade behind the times. No matter what he shows, drill the stuff from YouTube.

- Dispute the effectiveness of everything your instructor teaches. It takes hard work to maintain your position in the dominance hierarchy, so don’t accept instruction at face value. Question whether the move will work against multiple attackers wielding machetes.

- Wash your gi no more than once per week. You can easily get 3 or 4 hard training sessions in before your gi needs to be washed. No reason to weaken the cotton fibers with excessive washing. Also, always store your gi in the trunk of your car for easy access.

- Do not shower, brush your teeth, or trim your nails before class. Totally pointless. BJJ is a fighting art!

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